oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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