around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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