I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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