im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
