good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
