You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
