I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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