Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just forgot I was standing up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
