took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
