remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
