we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I touched a dick in church today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
