Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
