I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
