Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
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I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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