whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
