You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
