We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
