Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
do nipples grow back?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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