Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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