last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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