Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
