I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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