i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
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do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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