i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
