ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
