what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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