Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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