Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
