I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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