Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
