I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
