my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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