i think i have two assholes
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
