Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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