Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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