I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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