I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There's always time for handjobs
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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