i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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