saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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