Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
