I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
