I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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