I could make wine with my vomit
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
