He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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