The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
