can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
