i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
