We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
