i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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