somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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