The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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