I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
