Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
