He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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