Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
