peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
