ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
