Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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