just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
